and didn't last for long!my craptastic diet. ::facepalm::
the nausea and exhaustion had me reaching for even more convenience and fast foods than normal and guess who's heinie is stuggling in her jeans? i feel like a stuffed sausage. i'm afraid to admit that i may look like one too!
the damp, dreary weather makes me extra-lazy as well. the house and tot get properly taken care of, but i haven't worked out since the start of december. couple that with Logan weaning and the cocktail of confused hormones that is raging within... i feel gross.
i love me some winter, but am so ready for springtime. we need to go OUT! outside playtime! farmer's market vegetables! moonlit walks!
......
in other mood-lifting type news, i went right back to work on thursday. i was asked several times "why are you here?!" but it's been my experience since the very first loss in 2006, that the sooner i try to get back to normal the better. that's not to say that i'm brushing off the miscarriage and pretending things aren't as bad as they are (that's impossible to do, by the way). it is to say that i personally feel better when i am up and moving and my hands are busy. i think about it the whole time i'm working on something else, but being productive and expending physical energy in a different way at the same time helps with my mental clarity and it feels as though i'm actually working through the pain, if that makes any sense.
steph asked me how it was going to be for me to see pregnant moms and new babies. i am able to separate my life from the lives of our clients very easily. it's different with friends though.. it's harder to not feel pain or jealousy. not that i would ever ask or expect someone else to not talk about what's going on in their life just to appease me; it's simply something that i have to work through on my own and it is the aspect of grief that i find the most difficult to get past.
working keeps me from dwelling. it keeps me from getting sucked into the black, immobilizing abyss of depression. it keeps me from displacing my anger and being angry with G-d. it forces me to think about someone other than myself.
we're doing okay. better than i thought i would be in this aftermath, but then in a way the worst is yet to come. i have not had to actually deal with the loss yet.
i saw dr p yesterday and i told her that i do not want a d&c unless it becomes medically necessary and she was agreeable whole-heartedly to this. she wrote out scripts for Cytotec and Vicodin and said that it is up to me when/if i choose to use them. i asked about Cytotec and the risk of uterine rupture. she said that this is not a concern unless i was further along. i'm still not comfortable with using it because of the stories of uterine hyper-stimulation. she said that i could wait and see if my body proceeds to take care of business naturally.
if there is one thing i can ask for it's this: please pray that my body passes everything on its own without the aid of drugs.
we're not persuing testing on either me or the fetal tissue at this time. we talked at length about why and i'm ok with the decision to hold off on testing for the time being. i was a bit relieved to hear her suggest this for one reason only: i do NOT want to know what Bee's gender is/was. i don't feel like explaining myself for this at the moment.
unfortunately, if we choose to try to get pregnant and are successfully so in the future, i am now labeled high-risk AND a "habitual aborter." medically terminology should be updated to be more sensitive and specific, i think.
in the event that we do try to conceive or do get pregnant in the future, i will not be sharing it on the blog.
we lost Bee.
there was no heartbeat and Bee's little body measured at 8weeks+3.
i feel like an idiot because for the past two weeks i could have sworn that those were kicks. it wasn't gas. i'm guessing that they were muscle spasms or twitches that i am unfamiliar with.
i managed to hold my composure in the office. what we saw did not come as a surprise to me after yesterday.
dr ben told us not to rush to make a decision on what to do now. a D&C is an option, but even he said that he would no reccommend it unless absolutely necessary. we can wait and see how long it takes for my body to miscarry on its own, or i can opt to take Cytotec and expedite the process. i would rather not do that either because of the risks involved with it, but am making an appt with dr p to talk about my options.
i would like to pass Bee naturally (as in, without the D&C). i feel like in doing so and experiencing the mini-labor, albeit very intense labor, would bring me peace and closure. i feel like surgical intervention would be traumatic at best.
i think what also pisses me off about all of this, is that my body gave me no inclination that something was wrong. i feel betrayed that i didn't know somehow.
if there is a silver lining to be found, maybe this could be it: there may be testing done on the remainder of Bee's body once it passes and there is a good chance that dr p will go ahead and start some basic testing to see if there is a treatable cause for these losses. i am okay with both of these things.
i will end in saying this: please know that i love each of you dearly and wish you nothing but the best of luck and happiness is your TTC and pregnancy journeys. but it hurts my heart to incredibly much to talk with you about such things right now. i will probably avoid other blog posts and the like that involves this kind of conversation.
i have to go to the georgeotwn office tomorrow to have a vaginal ultrasound performed.
we could not pick up Bee's heartbeat with the doppler.
the abdominal ultrasound showed a babe... it did not look like what we expected. it was not clear enough to see a heartbeat.
my mom says that particular u/s machine is old and borderline useless in her opinion. i think she was saying that so i wouldn't melt down in front of the other patients.
i'm not sure how they pop up on the blogger reader thingie (if at all) but in the off chance you start to see a bunch of new posts, they are being pulled over from my blog on myspace and are posts starting from spring 2008 and going back.
i thought that by doing this, it gives better insight into our family's journey to gentle parenting and birth. reading through my "labor watch" posts just before i had logan typifies the mindset of a first-time mom who is uneducated about birthing practices.
anyway, i jus feel like these are relevant and important to share, should anyone be interestd in reading them as well.
see you all tomorrow evening!!!
on this journey to becoming IBCLCs, steph and i talk a lot about what that means to each of us. she loves research and science, i like helping moms with the day-to-day. we were talking again on thursday or friday about it. both of us would love to be the leaders of turning a local hospital to Baby Friendly. we talked at length about what that would mean for brown county (not just the hospital, the community) in general.
i've gone back and forth about where i will go in future endeavors. it's highly unlikely that we will ever be abe to afford for me to stay at home full time, so i toss around career prospects. it's been suggested that i may be able to return to BCGH, working in the capacity of an LC there in a few years (or sooner). i truly love WIC and its mission and have wondered if i could stay there until retirement.
but it always comes back to private practice. i see resources like this and think, wow. that is precisely what the women in our area need. a place nearby that can help them with pumps, bras, slings, diapers- everything!- without having to drive at least 30-45 minutes (or more, for some). i think of the moms in adams county who have to drive even further for help.
what do you think girls? do you think something like this could be successful in our area? i wish that i could come into a windfall of (tax-free) money and open up a shop in the next few years instead of shooting for 5 years away.
oh yeah, and because i am dreaming big, i sometimes wonder if a store with services like that could really take off and allow me to hire an experienced staff? :)
..............
in other news, i only felt light baby flutters one time and since then have felt strong thumps and kicks at least every other day. i am shocked at how early it is to be feeling such strong fetal movement. it is so reassuring.
of course, it has not helped with the continual speculation that there is possibly two beansprouts within. ;) you see, when dr ben did an ultrasound at my first appointment, we couldn't get a good look at anything but we did see two little uh, dots (for lack of a better term). dr ben even said, "you see those two spots there? i do believe that is it." i didn't ask him about it (because we couldn't see anything definite that day anyway) but have been going, hmmm... now why would there have been two spots? ever since. i'm not dwelling on it though, as ultrasound isn't totally clear to begin with and it may have been one of the weird shadow effects making it appear that there were two, or even been the placenta i suppose.
::shrug:: i don't know, but we'll find out on tuesday either way.
who knew?
http://www.unshod.org/pfbc/pfmedresearch.htm
http://www.barefooters.org/
my uncle was a podiatrist (foot doc) for several years and always had a fit over my disdain for wearing shoes.
makes me glad that logan hates wearing shoes too :)
while perusing various women's magazines in various waiting rooms, i have more than once come across articles discussing "frenemies." plenty of these articles makes it sound normal to have friendships (if you can call them that, because i don't, but i'm getting to that) such as these. of course these articles also feel the need to pigeonhole and categorize each and every relationship in a woman's life. who has time- or need- of this?
wikipedia (always a trustworthy source ::wink wink::) defines a frenemy as such:
"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" which can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.
other sites describes the behavior of the frenemy as someone who subtly puts you down, whether she means to hurt you or not. this person usually gravitates towards other people who will help to build their own ego and make them feel superior.
i had a few friends like this in high school. i eventually ended the friendship with each girl because it was no longer fun to hang out; it was like a constant competition to see who had the funnier jokes, got checked out by more guys, etc. it wasn't healthy for either of us.
i don't think this really happens in my relationships nowadays though. it's no secret that we're pretty reclusive and anti-social much of the time, but when we do see friends of ours, it's nothing like the frenemy scene. i kind of figured that as adults people would have either outgrown that kind of behavior or realized that they have no time for shenanigans. then again, maybe it's because i'm reclusive and out of the loop that i think these things!
i did have one experience wth it in recent memory. it was actually when Logan was probably ~6 months or so, and the jab actually came from a girl that i was good buddies with my senior year that my sister happened to encounter at a mutual friend's wedding. my former chum asked my sis what i had been up to, only to roll her eyes and make sarcastic remarks (ie: "what, does she just sit at home with the baby all day now?") and act just plain rude. and then she sends me friend request after friend request on myspace and facebook and comments on "how i happy i look" and "how much she misses hanging out with me." pssht. i have no time for these things and the double-edged compliments.
so, to draw to some sort of conclusion, i am wondering: do you ever have to deal with frenemies? is it more common to have friends such as this than i realize? if you keep them around, how do you deal with the negative, competitive vibe?
